Window...

What a morning. why is it that looking out the window can change everything. seriously - a .54 second can change plans and moods and looks and even goals. it's crazy to me.
but today...i looked out the window.
i saw rain, rain, and a little bit more...rain.
i had planned on bein all cute for class today (its still 1st semester, i still care on SOME days). but why try to fix your hair or even have on a cute outfit when it's just gonna get wet and frizz and stick to ya in places it shouldn't??
rainy day outfit = blue jeans + comfy hoodie + hair in a nice little knot on the top of my head.
i had also had plans to actually GO to breakfast and not sleep the day away until the very last possible second when i have to peel my exhausted body out of bed and trudge to yet another class....those plans too...changed.
rainy day schedule = no breakfast + laying in bed AS i type this blog.
i guess my point is - plans change. things change. people change. it's this crazy cycle called...well...life. this really bothers me sometimes. i'm jamie - i want things to go the way i want them, when i want them, for as long as i want them. and when they don't i get all befuddled.
but then on days like this, as i lay in bed and listen to the rain hit my window...i think about it. I am not in control. i never will be and never really SHOULD be. i don't know much of anything and what i do know is only what is right in front of me. i think i know what my life should hold and how it should all work out. i make all these plans for the now and the future. i get so caught up and wrapped up in the way i think it should be.
but i haven't looked out the window.
i CAN'T see out the window. God doesn't want to pull back the curtain just yet.
He can see it all. He has full access to a great big bay window...His plans are "do-able". He is merciful and just. He gives grace when He sees it is needed. He can see my whole life...here and now, and 50 years from now...all from his window.
so why do i need to even worry about it? Why can't i just let him tell me what to do and when to do it. Easier said than done. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to pull back the curtains, move the blinds, see around the tree blocking my view...i just can't ever manage to chill out, sit down, and wait for God to tell me what's goin on outside my window. Giving up that much control and want for knowledge is SO hard.
maybe get an "E" for effort??
so here's for trying...again. i know i'll fail, and have to try 17 more times...today. but i guess that's a sign of strength. Not my strength alone, but my strength in Him. With His help. He's right here holding my hand while i try, fail, brush off and try again.
God, i'm sitting down. I'm walking away from the window. Tell me what i need to know, when You see fit. Until then, i'll be waiting...
<3