something always bring me back to you.

i guess everyone has that something that just kinda sucks them in. you know that thing that they know is bad for them, but they are just drawn to it anyway?
for some its drugs or alchohol. for some it's gossip, lying, anger, sex, or even eating too much.
but for me...it's people. there are people in my life on a daily basis that really, honestly probably shouldn't be there. but i'm drawn to them anyway. For many different reasons. I like to have someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, some one to laugh with. But i know going in that these are not the people i need. We don't just talk - we talk about other people. We don't just hang out - we hang out and do stupid stuff that could end badly. We don't just laugh - we laugh at the expense of others.
Why is it that its so much easier to feel and be accepted when pushing others away or pointing out and dwelling on the things we don't find acceptable. Why do we have to make others seem worthless just to have a good feeling about ourselves?
quite selfish huh?
but then there are days like today...when i see it from the right perspective. i see these people for what they really are and am forced to ask myself some hard, honest questions.
is this what you want to become?
is this the way you want to be remembered?
is this, this way of treating people you are slowly adopting, is this ok? really??
no. the answer to ALL is no.
but it's just so so SOOOO hard. i, jamie king, like everyone else in this big round world, want to be accepted. want to be loved, wanted, and treasured by as many people as possible. is that so bad??
no...not until it hurts you or others. then it's bad. then it's not ok. then it's time for a reality check.
the really big bummer is still to come - after such a realization - all is well for what a week? a day? a couple of hours?? then i see these same people. inviting me to join them. inviting me in. i'm drawn to it. it's so hard to stay away. staying away makes me vunerable. it suddenly makes me one of thier future targets.
but will also make me stronger. cuz gee wiz, "what doesn't kill ya..."
so i'm fighting. i'm fighting to my death it seems. but i refuse to give in, to be sucked back in any more.
i am called to be "set apart" right?
so bring it on.
<3