I'll see ya later...

so...i've been locked out of my account. it's been an ordeal.
this world lost a great attribute last night.
harvey pemelton passed away after a fight with cancer.
i was so blessed to get to spend quite a bit of time with him and his wife, shirley (i refuse to call her shirely, her name is nana), over the last few months.
in the begining i would go over and sit and talk to both of them about anything and everything. just seeing them interact and tell stories about thier lives together was so beautiful. seeing the way nana would take care of him. give him anything he needed, whenever he needed it. it was amazing. it was just so evident to me how much they loved each other. it also became very clear how increadably in love with the Lord harvey was. i am still amazed. wow.
closer to the end i got to talk to nana alot more. mr harvey was sleeping alot more and nana and i would just sit and talk for hours. i have just been so SO blessed by those times and the conversations we had. i have learned so much from them. both of them. but everytime i went, before i left, i would go in and say bye to mr harvey. it became kinda our little thing. i would say "alright mr harvey, i'm gonna go home now. ok?" he'd say ok. i'd say "you be good. i'll see you later. i love you." and he say he loved me too. it was just what we did. the last time i got to talk to him, he had been sleeping most of the day. my dad and i had gone over there and when we got ready to leave, he wouldn't answer anyone. but i still went in to do our little "goodbye". nana told him i was there, still no response. so...i said. "hey mr harvey!" and he opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled. oh my gosh that just made my day.
i will miss him soooo much. he was so great. i loved him like he was my grandpa too. but i know he is up there with our Lord hangin out, tellin him about all those fish he's caught.
so i guess.... mr harvey, you be good. i'll see ya later. i love you.
RIP Harvey Pemelton 1933 - 2009
<3

i want...

i want to make an impact. a huge impact.
is this something everyone thinks about?? am i weird??
i want to be remembered for something. for something meaningful. i want people to have good, genuine things to say about me when my time here is done. i want to have loved as much as i can possibly love. i want to touch people. i want to touch them in a way they will never forget. i want to touch them, through HIM. or...actually...i want HIM to touch them through ME. yea, that sounds better to me. i want to just be a vessle. oh man, do i ever. i want to be used up, completly used up by him.
i want to want this with ALL of my being...with more than just my heart or head alone. but both. my whole body. i want to want this so bad it consumes me. i want him to LITERALLY be ALL that i want and need. ever at all. i want to be content with Him, in Him. I want to see how blessed i am and how much he loves me EVERY day.
these are some of the things i want...really....
i just want to want them more.
<3

change?

let the changes begin.
i will move on right now. i will make new friends. i will stop depending on you. i will stop looking at my phone wishing for a text or call from you. i will stop telling my friends how great you are and how i can't wait to hang out with you again.
you want me to chill? i'll chill.
but one day...your gonna wanna talk, hang out, or just have some one there to listen. and ya know... i'm gonna want to say forget you. i will want to scream and yell and throw things at your head. i will want to quickly and angrily remind you of all the pain and tears you caused me, of all the times thought of you kept me up all night, of all the times i needed you and you weren't there.
but instead. i will answer your call or text. i will meet you wherever you want to meet. i will sit and listen as long as you need me to. i will love you.
that. that will never change.
so maybe i will change everything else. maybe this will be good for me.
but just know...when you need me...i'll still be here...sometimes, in some things, change is impossible.
<3

Eulogy.

i'm doing a presentation today.
we where told to write our eulogy and/or our mission statement for our lives.
....WHAT?!?
so i started thinking about it and listening to some of my classmates presentations and everyone was saying they'd die when they where like 90 in thier sleep. now, yes...that's preferable...but not probable for all.
what if died right now?? i would still need a eulogy, correct?? i tried to think about what it would be if i had died a month ago...that wasn't very encouraging. i think it would go something like this...
"jamie king died yesterday after choking on the mashed potatoes she loved so much in the cafeteria of Trevecca Nazarene University. she had many people she called friends, but most of that was on a very superficial level. the friends she did have that where close enough to know her well say she was selfish and cruel and tended to only think of herself. she will be remembered for what she could have been. she had so much potential to be so much more than she was. if only she had not been so caught up in herself she could have done great things."
...not exactly what i was hoping for.
being a freshman in college i've learned alot.
i've learned i CAN actually survive away from my dad - being a daddy's girl i wasn't quite sure.
i've learned i can survive on pizza for a week straight - not that its a prefered way of living.
i've learned i have alot of faults. alot of things i need to figure out and work through. alot of things i need to fix, but can't fix on my own.
i've learned that i will hurt and be hurt. i will love and be loved. and i will have ample opportunity everyday to touch the people around me ina positive or negative way.
so i guess..if i where to fall over dead right now...my eulogy would be a little different.
it might say something like...
"jamie king was finally killed from too many hours of sitting in front of the computer. she had jsut started to learn what life and living was all about. she had more true friends than anyone would ever have expected. she loved and cared for them more than she ever imagined she could. she knew she had faults... a lot of them actually. but she was trying to make things better. she was striving daily to be more, do more, smile more, hug more, help more, and love more."
so maybe i'll keep getting progressivly better. maybe i'll actually achieve my life goals and dreams. maybe one day, if i live long enough to die of old age in my sleep...maybe my eulogy will be a good one.
<3

Walmart.

i got to hang out with some friends tonight. i seriously think it's the best part of college. meeting people and becoming serious, lifelong friends with them. making memories that will last me a lifetime and then some. knowing that each day i live and surround myself with these fantastic people makes for great stores i will one day get to tell my children when asked that ever so famous question, "why should i even go to college??"
this is one of those stories.
we went to walmart. we where playing games and actin a FOOL!!! it was so great.
something about being 18 years old and playing with games and acting like a 5 year old is so...freeing.
as we walked around, i passed an aisle and saw a big, comfy computer desk chair just sitting there. honestly - it was calling for me and begging me to come play with it! so i had to!!
i sat down and started spinning and rolling around. i turned around and asked one of my friends to "SPIN ME!!!! SPIN ME!!!!" but..she just kinda looked at me. so i said, "seriously girl, spin me!!!" and she continued to just...look at me. so i said, "fine, i'll do it myself!" and as i spun...
spinning...
i see this mean, old woman looking at me.
she worked there.
but i had kicked off for such a big spin....i kept...
spinning...
i get back around to her again, and yep, she's still there.
so i stopped. and said, "hey!"
she said,"hi. what are you doing?"
"just sitting here."
"i think your doing more than just sitting"
"i think your right. but the chair was just sitting here..."
"yes. that chair is for sell."
"it's for what??"
"it's for sale."
"yea, i figured that much."
"i think it's time for you to get out of the chair."
"i think it is."
and then...i put my shoes back on, grabbed my purse, and walked away.
seriously!! what a great night!! i have laughed so much tonight, my side hurts and my face hurts from smiling so much. i love my life. it's so beautiful. i'm so blessed.
thank you God for such great friends and such a beautiful, glorious life i get to lead.
<3

who me??

ever read someone's blog, status, or any other way of saying how they feel and for a whole split second think they're talking about you?
while your reading you get goose bumps and all nervous and excited all at the same time?
you start to ask yourself, when did this get written?? a few weeks ago?? how did i not see it?? how did i not know?
then...you do some math in your head, figure up some dates and some events...and realize...it wasn't you. they weren't talking about you at all. you probably never even crossed thier mind as they wrote that. probably haven't crossed thier mind at all fora while now.
yea.
just happened.

the best is yet to come

as i get ready to crawl in bed after a long day....i think.
i miss what was. all of it. more so than i ever expected. i miss the big things i knew i would miss and the stupid little things i really didn't expect to care about.
i miss playing hide and go seek with my dad, building "forts" in the living room, and sleeping in my parents floor just to be close to them for the night. i never really thought i would, i mean come on - i'm 30 minutes away...but i miss my parents. i see them often, but its different. i miss sitting on my mom's bed and telling her about my day. i miss kissing my dad on the cheek and do the usual, "good night. i love you. sweet dreams."
now it's a text message or a 5 minute phone call.
not the same.
i miss all those long, seemingly pointless hours spent at PVCS. i miss the friends, MY corner stall in the bathroom, the feeling when walking down the hall of knowing everyone i passed, and really just the comfort of it all. i expected to miss my friends, but not the rest of that place. now it's college. now its the big time. now i have to study WAY before the day of a test if i wanna pass, i have to actually go to class to pass, and at the end of a semester STILL don't know most of the people i see in a day's time. i miss the familiarity of it all.
there are so many things i could sit here and add to my list of "things i miss"...but there are so many new things to add to my list of "things i love". with everything i have lost or that has changed, i have gained more. my future is FINALLY starting to become my present. slowly but surely.
days when i miss what was...i tell myself to look at what will be. how exciting!!!! what will i do? who will i become? who will be in my life, and who won't be? what is He going to use me for?
so maybe i need to just snap out of it. stop dwellin on what is lost and different and look forward to what is it come. i'm so excited.
i can't wait!!
<3

something always bring me back to you.

i guess everyone has that something that just kinda sucks them in. you know that thing that they know is bad for them, but they are just drawn to it anyway?
for some its drugs or alchohol. for some it's gossip, lying, anger, sex, or even eating too much.
but for me...it's people. there are people in my life on a daily basis that really, honestly probably shouldn't be there. but i'm drawn to them anyway. For many different reasons. I like to have someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, some one to laugh with. But i know going in that these are not the people i need. We don't just talk - we talk about other people. We don't just hang out - we hang out and do stupid stuff that could end badly. We don't just laugh - we laugh at the expense of others.
Why is it that its so much easier to feel and be accepted when pushing others away or pointing out and dwelling on the things we don't find acceptable. Why do we have to make others seem worthless just to have a good feeling about ourselves?
quite selfish huh?
but then there are days like today...when i see it from the right perspective. i see these people for what they really are and am forced to ask myself some hard, honest questions.
is this what you want to become?
is this the way you want to be remembered?
is this, this way of treating people you are slowly adopting, is this ok? really??
no. the answer to ALL is no.
but it's just so so SOOOO hard. i, jamie king, like everyone else in this big round world, want to be accepted. want to be loved, wanted, and treasured by as many people as possible. is that so bad??
no...not until it hurts you or others. then it's bad. then it's not ok. then it's time for a reality check.
the really big bummer is still to come - after such a realization - all is well for what a week? a day? a couple of hours?? then i see these same people. inviting me to join them. inviting me in. i'm drawn to it. it's so hard to stay away. staying away makes me vunerable. it suddenly makes me one of thier future targets.
but will also make me stronger. cuz gee wiz, "what doesn't kill ya..."
so i'm fighting. i'm fighting to my death it seems. but i refuse to give in, to be sucked back in any more.
i am called to be "set apart" right?
so bring it on.
<3

Window...

What a morning. why is it that looking out the window can change everything. seriously - a .54 second can change plans and moods and looks and even goals. it's crazy to me.
but today...i looked out the window.
i saw rain, rain, and a little bit more...rain.
i had planned on bein all cute for class today (its still 1st semester, i still care on SOME days). but why try to fix your hair or even have on a cute outfit when it's just gonna get wet and frizz and stick to ya in places it shouldn't??
rainy day outfit = blue jeans + comfy hoodie + hair in a nice little knot on the top of my head.
i had also had plans to actually GO to breakfast and not sleep the day away until the very last possible second when i have to peel my exhausted body out of bed and trudge to yet another class....those plans too...changed.
rainy day schedule = no breakfast + laying in bed AS i type this blog.
i guess my point is - plans change. things change. people change. it's this crazy cycle called...well...life. this really bothers me sometimes. i'm jamie - i want things to go the way i want them, when i want them, for as long as i want them. and when they don't i get all befuddled.
but then on days like this, as i lay in bed and listen to the rain hit my window...i think about it. I am not in control. i never will be and never really SHOULD be. i don't know much of anything and what i do know is only what is right in front of me. i think i know what my life should hold and how it should all work out. i make all these plans for the now and the future. i get so caught up and wrapped up in the way i think it should be.
but i haven't looked out the window.
i CAN'T see out the window. God doesn't want to pull back the curtain just yet.
He can see it all. He has full access to a great big bay window...His plans are "do-able". He is merciful and just. He gives grace when He sees it is needed. He can see my whole life...here and now, and 50 years from now...all from his window.
so why do i need to even worry about it? Why can't i just let him tell me what to do and when to do it. Easier said than done. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to pull back the curtains, move the blinds, see around the tree blocking my view...i just can't ever manage to chill out, sit down, and wait for God to tell me what's goin on outside my window. Giving up that much control and want for knowledge is SO hard.
maybe get an "E" for effort??
so here's for trying...again. i know i'll fail, and have to try 17 more times...today. but i guess that's a sign of strength. Not my strength alone, but my strength in Him. With His help. He's right here holding my hand while i try, fail, brush off and try again.
God, i'm sitting down. I'm walking away from the window. Tell me what i need to know, when You see fit. Until then, i'll be waiting...
<3

Here goes nothing.

A friend of mine just had a pretty great idea. He started one of these blogs just to write down his thoughts. no frill or fireworks. just thoughts. so i've decided to try to do the same thing. i understand that some days this will be nothing more than a sentence or two and some days it will be a book. i also understand that most people wont care what i have to say, and that's ok. one day, someone will look back on this. it may be me, it may be you, it may be a group of people gathered at my funeral. whatever the case may be...someone will see it in the future. i hope that it will be helpful to whoever it is that does see it. i know it will be for me. have you ever just sat down and started typing what your feeling?? it's a great thing. to know that you can just empty yourself COMPLETLY on a page and then hit "publish now" and move on about your buisness. it's freeing. it's simple and fantastic. so i, like my friend, encourage you to do the same. start up a blog. it's free! what could go wrong??
but as you read my blog please remember some things.
1. i am not here to please. i am not trying to make you happy with what i have to say.
2. i don't expect you to read religously - but you may wanna try to keep up from time to time.
oh..and 3 - i CAN'T spell...don't hold it against me.
please and thank you.
well....here goes nothing. hold on tight. this could be a crazy ride!!!