so i watched this video last night.
it was a Rob Bell video. I. LOVE. HIM. alot.
in this particular video, he talked about hard times. how when we have hard times, now matter how terribly awful they are, He's got us.
He is there, holding on to me even when i don't think He is.
i've had a pretty hard time over the last few days. i've got so much i feel like i need to figure out, nail down, apply for, adjust to, accept, and learn to live with. I'm at a college i don't feel like i should be at anymore. i'm in a major i have no passion for. i live here, at school, and just want to be home with my family.
it had all built up and i was seriously on the verge of a massive breakdown. i felt like i was on the high dive, toes curled around the edge, looking down at the LONG fall ahead of me.
so what better thing to do when on the verge of a breakdown than talk to a friend? and that's what i did.
i freaked out on him. it was a massive case of word vomit. he's used to it by now, so he doesn't get all freaked out and think i'm crazy when this happens.
but i wanted him to.
i wanted him to freak out like i was. i wanted him to agree with me that my life was totally and completely falling apart and i was in for it. i wanted him to just sit and hold my hand while i wallowed around in self pity.
but he didn't.
he kept saying, "jamie, take a breath. you're gonna be fine. trust God, His timing is perfect and He knows what's best for you. your problem is patience. have faith and trust in God. He's got it all under control. you are fine. everything is ok. i promise."
at first, that answer made me really mad. i didn't want that! in my head that wasn't helpful at all! but he was right. so i was mad, confused, and still freaking out quite a bit, but decided it would be best for everyone involved if i just went to bed.
i was almost asleep and he texted me. he told me to check my facebook. half asleep, half angry at the world...curiosity got the best of me. i peeled myself out of bed, grabbed my computer, and told him to give me a minute.
for the next ten minutes i sat in the floor of my dorm room surrounded by a very unreal, peaceful darkness. the only light in the room was the one illuminating my computer screen. i watched the video, and sobbed. it was as if my friend had told Rob Bell exactly what i was thinking, saying, and feeling and then Rob Bell made a video about it.
now, i'm not going to sugar coat things and sum everything up with a happy ending. watching that video didn't solve all of my problems or answer all of my questions. i'm still confused, exhausted, impatient, and waiting. i still don't have any idea what my future holds.
but it did change my perspective quite a bit.
as much as i absolutely HATE to admit it - my friend was right. when he was first telling me everything was fine and that i just needed to trust God, i thought it was just his way of getting me to shut up and leave him alone. his way of saying what was bothering wasn't really important, he was tired and wanted to go to bed. but i realized i was wrong. he always gets mad at me for assuming things. i guess this would be one of his prime examples. after a change in perspective, i saw that he was being genuine. he cared and was giving me the best answer - the answer i needed.
i also saw that my God is so much bigger than i let him be. i am so small and weak compared to him and often hold him at my standards and expect him to only be as strong as me. i know he is so much bigger and stronger than that, but remembering it is hard sometimes. i know he sees my past, present, and future. he holds it all in the palm of his almighty hand.
but we can't both hold it. have you ever tried to hold something tightly and securely while someone else was trying to hold it too? it doesn't really work well, at all. someone has to let go.
it hit me - for him to hold it, i have to let go of it.
ouch.
this is definitely a learning process.
so things are hard. i'm confused. i want direction garuntees, and goals. i'm not getting any of that right now.
but i'm praying. i'm praying A LOT. and though it's hard...
i'm trying to shut up, stop freaking out, and listen.
listen to God
and listen to my family and my friends when He's using them.
it was a Rob Bell video. I. LOVE. HIM. alot.
in this particular video, he talked about hard times. how when we have hard times, now matter how terribly awful they are, He's got us.
He is there, holding on to me even when i don't think He is.
i've had a pretty hard time over the last few days. i've got so much i feel like i need to figure out, nail down, apply for, adjust to, accept, and learn to live with. I'm at a college i don't feel like i should be at anymore. i'm in a major i have no passion for. i live here, at school, and just want to be home with my family.
it had all built up and i was seriously on the verge of a massive breakdown. i felt like i was on the high dive, toes curled around the edge, looking down at the LONG fall ahead of me.
so what better thing to do when on the verge of a breakdown than talk to a friend? and that's what i did.
i freaked out on him. it was a massive case of word vomit. he's used to it by now, so he doesn't get all freaked out and think i'm crazy when this happens.
but i wanted him to.
i wanted him to freak out like i was. i wanted him to agree with me that my life was totally and completely falling apart and i was in for it. i wanted him to just sit and hold my hand while i wallowed around in self pity.
but he didn't.
he kept saying, "jamie, take a breath. you're gonna be fine. trust God, His timing is perfect and He knows what's best for you. your problem is patience. have faith and trust in God. He's got it all under control. you are fine. everything is ok. i promise."
at first, that answer made me really mad. i didn't want that! in my head that wasn't helpful at all! but he was right. so i was mad, confused, and still freaking out quite a bit, but decided it would be best for everyone involved if i just went to bed.
i was almost asleep and he texted me. he told me to check my facebook. half asleep, half angry at the world...curiosity got the best of me. i peeled myself out of bed, grabbed my computer, and told him to give me a minute.
for the next ten minutes i sat in the floor of my dorm room surrounded by a very unreal, peaceful darkness. the only light in the room was the one illuminating my computer screen. i watched the video, and sobbed. it was as if my friend had told Rob Bell exactly what i was thinking, saying, and feeling and then Rob Bell made a video about it.
now, i'm not going to sugar coat things and sum everything up with a happy ending. watching that video didn't solve all of my problems or answer all of my questions. i'm still confused, exhausted, impatient, and waiting. i still don't have any idea what my future holds.
but it did change my perspective quite a bit.
as much as i absolutely HATE to admit it - my friend was right. when he was first telling me everything was fine and that i just needed to trust God, i thought it was just his way of getting me to shut up and leave him alone. his way of saying what was bothering wasn't really important, he was tired and wanted to go to bed. but i realized i was wrong. he always gets mad at me for assuming things. i guess this would be one of his prime examples. after a change in perspective, i saw that he was being genuine. he cared and was giving me the best answer - the answer i needed.
i also saw that my God is so much bigger than i let him be. i am so small and weak compared to him and often hold him at my standards and expect him to only be as strong as me. i know he is so much bigger and stronger than that, but remembering it is hard sometimes. i know he sees my past, present, and future. he holds it all in the palm of his almighty hand.
but we can't both hold it. have you ever tried to hold something tightly and securely while someone else was trying to hold it too? it doesn't really work well, at all. someone has to let go.
it hit me - for him to hold it, i have to let go of it.
ouch.
this is definitely a learning process.
so things are hard. i'm confused. i want direction garuntees, and goals. i'm not getting any of that right now.
but i'm praying. i'm praying A LOT. and though it's hard...
i'm trying to shut up, stop freaking out, and listen.
listen to God
and listen to my family and my friends when He's using them.
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