Sooooo....
i've given up facebook for Lent. i'm not even catholic. what's up with this?!?!
we're goin on 72 hours and i am seriously about to loose my mind.
i am an admitted adict.
it's bad.
so, lucky for blogspot...i just blog more now.
2 posts in one day...WHAT?!?
crazy. i know.
as i sit here, in my dorm there are quite a few things running through my head.
happiness...what is it?
i've always known happiness and joy are two different things. i strive for joy. i have joy. i have Him. He is my joy. but i don't always have happiness. i'd like to, but sometimes i feel like that's impossible. things make me sad, mad, hurt, confused, and just all over upset. it happens.
so as i try to figure out what happiness is...i think it might totally be dependent on circumstances. talk about a bi-polar feeling, huh?
if that's the case...i don't want to be happy. i don't want happiness to be my goal. joy - sure. happiness - not so much. striving for an ever changing thing that is never guaranteed is not what i want. i will strive for joy...an over abundance of joy. in my Lord. and in my family. and in my friends. and in every single blessing i get showered on me every day. i will remind myself that i have no reason to be anything but joyful... joyful. not happy.
2.18.2010
what's the point?
i will willingly admit that i ask WAY too many questions.
i wonder, ponder, dwell, nit pick, worry, and think. i do it all. but as i do all of that, i ask.
i ask the basic : who, what, where, when, how....but if you know me at all you know my favorite...
WHY?!?!?
i ask why to everything.
being here, at trevecca has given me a whole new selection of things to ask "why" about.
like...
why is freshman curfew 12 am?
why do the beds have to be so small?
why is the laundry all the way in the basement?
why is the pizza so greasy?
why does her hair look like that?
why does he have that thing hanging out of his nose?
why does she get paid to feed squirrels?
why does he eat in the same seat, at the same table, at the same time everyday?
...you get the idea.
i've had some of these answered, and added a couple hundred more to the list.
but sometimes i ask why about more important, impactful things...
why do we stand when we sing?
why do we go to the alter to do anything of significance in a church?
why do we do communion in some churches once a month and in others every sunday?
why do we have so many rules, rituals, and and lines to stay in?
that last one has been really drivin me crazy over the last few days.
rituals.
my point is this....they are all explained away by "these are just ways we symbolize things."
is it though? when does it go from "symbolizing things" on the inside to just becoming a show for everyone on the outside?
my big thing always has been the "heart issue." everything to me is a heart issue.
and i just wonder...
why do people do these things? where is their heart? where is mine??
so i really can't do or say much for everyone else...i'm just concerned.
i know that alot of times my heart isn't in the right place. i do things because i know people are watching. that is NOT ok. it's doing me no good unless my heart is right.
i'm gonna work on that. really. i want to be better about it.
i want it be true "'what you see is what you get".
through and through.
all the time.
i wonder, ponder, dwell, nit pick, worry, and think. i do it all. but as i do all of that, i ask.
i ask the basic : who, what, where, when, how....but if you know me at all you know my favorite...
WHY?!?!?
i ask why to everything.
being here, at trevecca has given me a whole new selection of things to ask "why" about.
like...
why is freshman curfew 12 am?
why do the beds have to be so small?
why is the laundry all the way in the basement?
why is the pizza so greasy?
why does her hair look like that?
why does he have that thing hanging out of his nose?
why does she get paid to feed squirrels?
why does he eat in the same seat, at the same table, at the same time everyday?
...you get the idea.
i've had some of these answered, and added a couple hundred more to the list.
but sometimes i ask why about more important, impactful things...
why do we stand when we sing?
why do we go to the alter to do anything of significance in a church?
why do we do communion in some churches once a month and in others every sunday?
why do we have so many rules, rituals, and and lines to stay in?
that last one has been really drivin me crazy over the last few days.
rituals.
my point is this....they are all explained away by "these are just ways we symbolize things."
is it though? when does it go from "symbolizing things" on the inside to just becoming a show for everyone on the outside?
my big thing always has been the "heart issue." everything to me is a heart issue.
and i just wonder...
why do people do these things? where is their heart? where is mine??
so i really can't do or say much for everyone else...i'm just concerned.
i know that alot of times my heart isn't in the right place. i do things because i know people are watching. that is NOT ok. it's doing me no good unless my heart is right.
i'm gonna work on that. really. i want to be better about it.
i want it be true "'what you see is what you get".
through and through.
all the time.
2.08.2010
"Come to Me, you who are weak and heavy laden..."
so i watched this video last night.
it was a Rob Bell video. I. LOVE. HIM. alot.
in this particular video, he talked about hard times. how when we have hard times, now matter how terribly awful they are, He's got us.
He is there, holding on to me even when i don't think He is.
i've had a pretty hard time over the last few days. i've got so much i feel like i need to figure out, nail down, apply for, adjust to, accept, and learn to live with. I'm at a college i don't feel like i should be at anymore. i'm in a major i have no passion for. i live here, at school, and just want to be home with my family.
it had all built up and i was seriously on the verge of a massive breakdown. i felt like i was on the high dive, toes curled around the edge, looking down at the LONG fall ahead of me.
so what better thing to do when on the verge of a breakdown than talk to a friend? and that's what i did.
i freaked out on him. it was a massive case of word vomit. he's used to it by now, so he doesn't get all freaked out and think i'm crazy when this happens.
but i wanted him to.
i wanted him to freak out like i was. i wanted him to agree with me that my life was totally and completely falling apart and i was in for it. i wanted him to just sit and hold my hand while i wallowed around in self pity.
but he didn't.
he kept saying, "jamie, take a breath. you're gonna be fine. trust God, His timing is perfect and He knows what's best for you. your problem is patience. have faith and trust in God. He's got it all under control. you are fine. everything is ok. i promise."
at first, that answer made me really mad. i didn't want that! in my head that wasn't helpful at all! but he was right. so i was mad, confused, and still freaking out quite a bit, but decided it would be best for everyone involved if i just went to bed.
i was almost asleep and he texted me. he told me to check my facebook. half asleep, half angry at the world...curiosity got the best of me. i peeled myself out of bed, grabbed my computer, and told him to give me a minute.
for the next ten minutes i sat in the floor of my dorm room surrounded by a very unreal, peaceful darkness. the only light in the room was the one illuminating my computer screen. i watched the video, and sobbed. it was as if my friend had told Rob Bell exactly what i was thinking, saying, and feeling and then Rob Bell made a video about it.
now, i'm not going to sugar coat things and sum everything up with a happy ending. watching that video didn't solve all of my problems or answer all of my questions. i'm still confused, exhausted, impatient, and waiting. i still don't have any idea what my future holds.
but it did change my perspective quite a bit.
as much as i absolutely HATE to admit it - my friend was right. when he was first telling me everything was fine and that i just needed to trust God, i thought it was just his way of getting me to shut up and leave him alone. his way of saying what was bothering wasn't really important, he was tired and wanted to go to bed. but i realized i was wrong. he always gets mad at me for assuming things. i guess this would be one of his prime examples. after a change in perspective, i saw that he was being genuine. he cared and was giving me the best answer - the answer i needed.
i also saw that my God is so much bigger than i let him be. i am so small and weak compared to him and often hold him at my standards and expect him to only be as strong as me. i know he is so much bigger and stronger than that, but remembering it is hard sometimes. i know he sees my past, present, and future. he holds it all in the palm of his almighty hand.
but we can't both hold it. have you ever tried to hold something tightly and securely while someone else was trying to hold it too? it doesn't really work well, at all. someone has to let go.
it hit me - for him to hold it, i have to let go of it.
ouch.
this is definitely a learning process.
so things are hard. i'm confused. i want direction garuntees, and goals. i'm not getting any of that right now.
but i'm praying. i'm praying A LOT. and though it's hard...
i'm trying to shut up, stop freaking out, and listen.
listen to God
and listen to my family and my friends when He's using them.
it was a Rob Bell video. I. LOVE. HIM. alot.
in this particular video, he talked about hard times. how when we have hard times, now matter how terribly awful they are, He's got us.
He is there, holding on to me even when i don't think He is.
i've had a pretty hard time over the last few days. i've got so much i feel like i need to figure out, nail down, apply for, adjust to, accept, and learn to live with. I'm at a college i don't feel like i should be at anymore. i'm in a major i have no passion for. i live here, at school, and just want to be home with my family.
it had all built up and i was seriously on the verge of a massive breakdown. i felt like i was on the high dive, toes curled around the edge, looking down at the LONG fall ahead of me.
so what better thing to do when on the verge of a breakdown than talk to a friend? and that's what i did.
i freaked out on him. it was a massive case of word vomit. he's used to it by now, so he doesn't get all freaked out and think i'm crazy when this happens.
but i wanted him to.
i wanted him to freak out like i was. i wanted him to agree with me that my life was totally and completely falling apart and i was in for it. i wanted him to just sit and hold my hand while i wallowed around in self pity.
but he didn't.
he kept saying, "jamie, take a breath. you're gonna be fine. trust God, His timing is perfect and He knows what's best for you. your problem is patience. have faith and trust in God. He's got it all under control. you are fine. everything is ok. i promise."
at first, that answer made me really mad. i didn't want that! in my head that wasn't helpful at all! but he was right. so i was mad, confused, and still freaking out quite a bit, but decided it would be best for everyone involved if i just went to bed.
i was almost asleep and he texted me. he told me to check my facebook. half asleep, half angry at the world...curiosity got the best of me. i peeled myself out of bed, grabbed my computer, and told him to give me a minute.
for the next ten minutes i sat in the floor of my dorm room surrounded by a very unreal, peaceful darkness. the only light in the room was the one illuminating my computer screen. i watched the video, and sobbed. it was as if my friend had told Rob Bell exactly what i was thinking, saying, and feeling and then Rob Bell made a video about it.
now, i'm not going to sugar coat things and sum everything up with a happy ending. watching that video didn't solve all of my problems or answer all of my questions. i'm still confused, exhausted, impatient, and waiting. i still don't have any idea what my future holds.
but it did change my perspective quite a bit.
as much as i absolutely HATE to admit it - my friend was right. when he was first telling me everything was fine and that i just needed to trust God, i thought it was just his way of getting me to shut up and leave him alone. his way of saying what was bothering wasn't really important, he was tired and wanted to go to bed. but i realized i was wrong. he always gets mad at me for assuming things. i guess this would be one of his prime examples. after a change in perspective, i saw that he was being genuine. he cared and was giving me the best answer - the answer i needed.
i also saw that my God is so much bigger than i let him be. i am so small and weak compared to him and often hold him at my standards and expect him to only be as strong as me. i know he is so much bigger and stronger than that, but remembering it is hard sometimes. i know he sees my past, present, and future. he holds it all in the palm of his almighty hand.
but we can't both hold it. have you ever tried to hold something tightly and securely while someone else was trying to hold it too? it doesn't really work well, at all. someone has to let go.
it hit me - for him to hold it, i have to let go of it.
ouch.
this is definitely a learning process.
so things are hard. i'm confused. i want direction garuntees, and goals. i'm not getting any of that right now.
but i'm praying. i'm praying A LOT. and though it's hard...
i'm trying to shut up, stop freaking out, and listen.
listen to God
and listen to my family and my friends when He's using them.
2.01.2010
Brace for Impact.
ever feel like life is bearing
down
on
you?
i do.
you know those famous movie scenes with the balloon finally bursting on someone's head after being completly filled to capacity. you see the balloon trembling and then slowly rolling off of the banister and the SOAKING the person underneath.
i am always interested in seeing that person's face.
right after the balloon...
HITS.
the face of shock...of hurt...of confusion......of anger...of wonder...the face of defeat.
i feel like i have a balloon balancing on the banister above me...just waiting for me to
SLAM
the door
just hard enough
for it to
f
a
l
l
and cover me with all that it holds. i am so scared for that day to come. i'm looking up at it...just...waiting.
see, my balloon isn't full of water.
my balloon is full of life.
full of decisions, relationships, questions, school, family, hurt, anger, church, and worry about all of it.
my balloon isn't a surprise to me. in the movies, the person under the balloon has no idea it's coming until there is no time for escape. i know my balloon is there. i have put every single thing in that balloon on my own. i know how full it is, because i have done the filling.
i know the collapse is coming... and i'm just waiting for it.
i don't know how to get away from it, i don't know if i can. i feel
STUCK.
i need an escape.
a trap door to open at the very last possible minute and i'm in the clear once again.
or maybe just an umbrella.
an umbrella would be nice. they always tend to do the trick. umbrellas provide just enough protection, but not too much. you can go out in a gross, rainy day with an umbrella and still enjoy it. you can play in the rain, still get a little bit wet if you want, but not totally soaked.
i need an umbrella. no an escape. if i escape, i wont get the experience. if i don't get the experience, i won't learn from it. i need to learn.
but i need some protection. i need to lighten the impact. i can't handle it ALL, all at once. i'll colapse under the pressure.
i need an umbrella.
so what will that be? a friend, a listening ear, a prayer, some time alone? what will be my umbrella? i don't know. i just know i need one. soon. before the balloon bursts.
i need an umbrella.
down
on
you?
i do.
you know those famous movie scenes with the balloon finally bursting on someone's head after being completly filled to capacity. you see the balloon trembling and then slowly rolling off of the banister and the SOAKING the person underneath.
i am always interested in seeing that person's face.
right after the balloon...
HITS.
the face of shock...of hurt...of confusion......of anger...of wonder...the face of defeat.
i feel like i have a balloon balancing on the banister above me...just waiting for me to
SLAM
the door
just hard enough
for it to
f
a
l
l
and cover me with all that it holds. i am so scared for that day to come. i'm looking up at it...just...waiting.
see, my balloon isn't full of water.
my balloon is full of life.
full of decisions, relationships, questions, school, family, hurt, anger, church, and worry about all of it.
my balloon isn't a surprise to me. in the movies, the person under the balloon has no idea it's coming until there is no time for escape. i know my balloon is there. i have put every single thing in that balloon on my own. i know how full it is, because i have done the filling.
i know the collapse is coming... and i'm just waiting for it.
i don't know how to get away from it, i don't know if i can. i feel
STUCK.
i need an escape.
a trap door to open at the very last possible minute and i'm in the clear once again.
or maybe just an umbrella.
an umbrella would be nice. they always tend to do the trick. umbrellas provide just enough protection, but not too much. you can go out in a gross, rainy day with an umbrella and still enjoy it. you can play in the rain, still get a little bit wet if you want, but not totally soaked.
i need an umbrella. no an escape. if i escape, i wont get the experience. if i don't get the experience, i won't learn from it. i need to learn.
but i need some protection. i need to lighten the impact. i can't handle it ALL, all at once. i'll colapse under the pressure.
i need an umbrella.
so what will that be? a friend, a listening ear, a prayer, some time alone? what will be my umbrella? i don't know. i just know i need one. soon. before the balloon bursts.
i need an umbrella.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)