you make it beautiful

i have always heard people say things like, "...and then God wrecked me" or "...and then God rocked my world". 

i've had many a conversation about how great it was that God stepped in and was very actively working in someone's life...and all that was started with God "destroying their world".

i may have even prayed with some friends for God to "really just show up" and "do whatever it takes" to do big things in their lives. 

but if we're being honest, i've never experienced that. 

i've never really had my world destroyed or torn up or rocked or anything else that might cause one to think of volcanoes or grenades. (mental images...just keep trackin' with me here) i've had some rough times, some hard biblical truths to learn, and some bad days, but never quite had that "the ground is actually falling out from under me right now"experience. 

until now.

in the last few weeks i have been absolutely, completely, without a doubt, DESTROYED.

honestly, i feel kind of stupid for even admitting to that.

because, see, most of time when people say that kind of thing they have just suffered a loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or just had everything go wrong in their life all at one time. 

i haven't had any of that. 

i have had a few things happen recently that i have dealt with on many a previous occasion and survived just fine. 

but this time has been different.

this time my world has been destroyed.

i don't know why. i don't know why this time is any different than the rest. but it is. 

it wasn't a slow, steady sort of thing.

it was more of a one second everything is fine and then everythinghappenedallatonce sort of thing.

my thoughts were something like...

why is this happeneing? 

why are these simple things destroying my world?

what is wrong with me?

God, what are you doing here?

...why?

in all of my questioning and crying and searching and reading and praying...i've found the answer to some of those questions.

i have finally started feeling like i can lift my head and smile and it not hurt. 

and i figured i would share what i've learned.

1. don't ask for something you aren't ready for.

i've always been told not to pray for patience, "becuase God will give it to ya!" [that was supposed to be read like an old, fat, redneck man. if you didn't read it that way, go back and try again.]

i haven't prayed for patience in years. i pray around that one big time. 

but i've learned patience isn't the only thing he is so willing to teach us.

i pray something like this every morning:

"God, grow me. In some way today i ask that you grow me and speak to me and make me more like you."

i meant it. i really did. 

but i meant it in a easy, non violent sort of way.

that's not what i got.

i prayed for growth and to be more like him and that's what i'm gonna get.

it's painful and terrible and at times makes me wonder why i asked in the first place...but its happening.

and i'm thankful.

by the time i get through this season, i'm going to have gotten just what i asked for.

2. pride comes before a fall.

this is not something i was unaware of either.

but when i think pride i think stuck up, mean, and lacking Jesus altogether. 

not quite. 

pride is me. pride is the way i thought i had it altogether and people were lucky to have me around to help. pride is me thinking that i am better than some, too good for some, and a blessing to others. pride is me thinking i had arrived.

pride is where i was and i had no idea.

i had the pride and was actually surprised when the fall came.

"whoever exalts himself WILL BE HUMBLED." mathew 23:12

it's painful and terrible and makes me cry quite a bit...but i'm being humbled.

the fall will ALWAYS come.

3. God doesn't have to answer to me.

i'm a control freak. i need to know what's going on and have some kind of hand in it at all times. 

God doesn't have to cooperate with this.

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." isaiah 55:8

i have my life all planned out. so does he. our plans are different. His are better. SO MUCH BETTER. i have to know that and then believe it and then live in that truth. 

honestly, i'm still in the believing it stage.

its painful and terrible and absolutely freaks me out...but i'm learning to trust.

he is working. he is taking care of things. he doesn't need my help or approval.

4. God is faithful.

i have known this for years. i have seen him work and show up in big ways in so many lives and have rejoiced with all of them. but i haven't lived it and learned it for myself. has he been faithful to me before? of course. have a really been aware of it? no. 

i know God is faithful. i know he loves me and delights in me and has nothing but the best for me. i know  all things work together for good and i know that he is doing great things in and through me. 

but now i am getting the chance to believe it. 

it's painful and terrible and i ask often if there is any other way...but i'm starting to believe it. 

this is not an "everything all worked out in the end" sort of blog. im not saying i have figured it all out and i am perfectly ok.

i'm not.

i'm broken. i'm still very much broken and hurting and confused.

but it's always darkest before dawn.

i have never said "i don't understand" or "why" to God so many times in my life.

but i'm told not to lean on my own understanding.

i am shaken and scared and exhausted.

but He began a good work in me and has promised to see it through.

i am different. i am not the same Jamie i was 2 weeks ago.

but He makes all things new.

so now i've been there. now i know what it means for God to wreck me. now i know broken. 

and in His time, i will know the joy and peace and growth that comes from it. 

la, la, la, it's whatever.

[it's been so long since i posted something that i forgot my password. 

both the lack of posting and the forgotten password are unacceptable. both have been fixed. moving on.]

i've recently been in somewhat of a frantic, bible study beastmode.
my main topic of focus: temptation.
and today while i was reading [in my "way too early in the morning to do any good" math class],
i found something.
something so insignificant and so woah, huge at the same time.
something i have literally read 20 times, and something i've never noticed before.
i had been begging God for a good 30 minutes before i started reading to just

"show me something. anything. just speak to me. grow me and let me actually see it happening."

and....he smacked me in the face with this.

Matthew 4:1-2

 ¹ Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ² And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry.

Jesus was tempted. (don't worry, i've known that for a while, that's not what i'm dwelling on here)
but he wasn't just attacked with temptation that no one saw coming, nor was it coincidence.
"then Jesus was LED UP BY THE SPIRIT....to be tempted"
woah.
we, as modern day Christians, have somehow convinced ourselves that being tempted is the worst possible thing. that temptation should be avoided...at ALL costs. that if your being tempted, something is wrong with you, you aren't a good Christian, or you are, just in general, a terrible person.
we are so very wrong.
Jesus was tempted. Jesus was LED by the HOLY SPIRIT to be tempted.
i'm just sayin, if being tempted were a bad thing, i'm pretty sure the Holy Spirit wouldn't be doing the leading.
so, i say temptation is good. 
why?
because sometimes it's where the Holy Spirit leads you. sometimes you need to be there for things to happen. sometimes it's personal growth, sometimes it's for someone else. but whatever the case, i consider temptation Kingdom Work.
Jesus was tempted to show who He was. to show His power. to show that He really is sovereign and He really can rescue sinners from the darkness ruled by Satan. 
we're tempted to help show the same thing.

now, before you start getting in your car to come throw stones...(there's really no need for that. just take me to lunch instead.)
i am not saying falling into temptation is a good thing. just being tempted.

so then, as i thought of this [still in my terrible math class], i kind of got a little irritated.
it went something like this:

"God, you know some people are weak! some people can't handle certain things! tempting them in that area is just uncool!"

...then he smacked me in the face again.
with verse 2.

"and when He had fasted for forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry."

this is Jesus' human side showing just a little. when i have fasted for ONE day, i'm ready to hurt a small child for some food.
forty days and forty nights.
40!

"...afterward He was hungry."

and what was the first temptation He faced?
bread.
and did He cave? no.
yea. sure we're tempted with things that are REAAAAALLLLY hard to say no to.
so what? so was He.
saying no to the temptation is proof of growth. it's proof of faith. it's proof of wisdom.
it's less of me and more of Him.
it's my job.

so next time your tempted, thank Him. thank Him for the chance at being a part of Kingdom Work. thank Him for giving you a chance at growth.
don't run from a chance like that. see it for what it is, stand strong in Him, and do your job.

they're all precious in His sight

[just real quick, let me freak out for a second.]

i'm working a summer camp this summer.
a summer camp.
you know, a bunch of kids running around like banshees, hot summer days, swimming in a lake, living in a cabin all summer, working with strangers....summer camp.
this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most, but the thing is...
i've NEVER done camp.
never worked it, never been to one, never even seen a real "summer camp".
i'm not the "camp" type. this is a known fact.

what have i gotten myself into?!?

really i'm just doing it for the kids. i want to make an impact. i always have. and i think this might actually finally be chance to do it. i am in the position to greatly impact a child's life for the Lord.
what better way to spend my summer?!
so yea... i might be WAY out of my comfort zone here and yea...i'm totally freaking out.
but outside my comfort zone is where God works the best.
so hey,
bring it on summer camp.

i'm taken with a notion.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

my love handles, pudgy belly, 

weird nose, and big bug eyes are 

fearfully and wonderfully made.

my loud laugh, my country accent,

 my need to be with people at the weirdest of times,

 and my weird fears, dreams and goals are 

all part of who i am. 

who i am is fearfully and wonderfully made.

so, please - next time you start to think anything other than "she is fearfully and wonderfully made"...check yourself. and next time you hear me say anything different, slap me.

you are beautiful in every single way.

warm whispers.

some numbers to crunch.

26,000
twenty. six. thousand.
26,000 children a day.

that's how children die EVERY DAY from starvation or preventable disease.

26,000 a day.
183 an hour.
3 a minute.

dying.
children being taken away from their parents.
friends losing friends.
lives ending.

and what are we doing about it?
we're sitting at restaurants complaining that we haven't gotten our huge meals fast enough.
we're spending all of our money on clothes, shoes, movies, and music.
spending money on ourselves.
how. freakin'. selfish.
oh wait... what's new?

26,000.
26,000 a day.

go big or go home.

i can do this.
it may very well be all on my own.

but i can do it.
and i will.

so there.

texty texterson

EHEM.

this has gone on long enough. i can't handle it any more. life is full of rules, and this instance is no exception. 
but like many other problems one could face on a day to day basis, this problem is not taken as seriously as it should be. 
let's fix that. now.

TEXTING ETIQUETTE.  

rule 1.
never. ever. never ever. ever. never. never. ever. EVER. send a text complied of a single "K" or "LOL". this is unacceptable. how in the world is someone supposed to reply to that?
if you were sitting on a couch talking to someone and all they did was "LOL" and then stop and stare at you...would that be acceptable? certainly not. so why in text?

rule 2.
replies are appreciated. simple concept really - you get a text. you send a text. you get a text. you send a text. you DON'T get a text....and put your phone away and move on. ESPECIALLY when it's a question needing an answer.
back to the couch situation. if you were having a conversation with someone and they asked, "how has your day been?"... would you just get up and walk away? (i certainly hope not, if so, we have other things to cover) you would REPLY!!!
it doesn't take long and is usually a fairly pain-free task.

rule 3.
just because two people in a group have cell phones does not give good reason for them to text each other while inside the group.
this needs no explanation. it's rude and dumb. don't do it.

rule 4.
sending pictures is great. sending pictures with absolutely no explanation is not so great.
"oh hey, thanks so much for that picture of your lunch...but why??"
take the picture. type a message. THEN send.
very very simple process.

now, i know this might be a lot to take in in one setting. so i'll give you some time to process it all. 
if these rules are not followed, more forceful steps will be taken.
thank you.

one of the same.

[i know i write about love...pretty much all the time. so if you want to just disregard this post, it's allowed.]

a few years ago, one of the most influential people in my life told me that i didn't understand the idea of Christlike love. and honestly, at the time, i didn't.
he told me to read 1 Corinthians 13.
of course he did. that's the chapter EVERYONE references when talking about love. way to be original. gee whiz.
but it doesn't stop there with just reading it.
then you apply it.

take the word "love" out.
put your name in it's place.

[Jamie is patient, Jamie is kind. It(she) does not envy, it (she) does not boast, it (she) is not proud. It (she) does not dishonor others, it (she) is not self-seeking, it (she) is not easily angered, it (she) keeps no record of wrongs. Jamie does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It (she) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

  Jamie never fails.]

woah. woah. woah.

that blows my mind EVERY SINGLE time i try it.

i mean, the first sentence is just crazy. jamie is patient??!?!?! what?!? do you know me?!?!

does not envy?

is not easily angered?

always trusts, always hopes?

NEVER FAILS?!?!

yeah. impossible. 

on my own.

the point is this.

duh, we aren't this way. we can't be without Him letting us be and helping us get there.

i can't do any of this because jamie wants to be a better person.

but i can do it when i ask him and let him do it His way, and in his time.

so, until that whole paragraph is true...i'm gonna keep praying for it.

and keep blowing up my blog with entries about love. 

Christ love.

get used to it.

i feel like my life is an introduction at an AA meeting.

i feel the need to admit all my flaws and failures to every person i meet.
like a "precursor " of sorts.

but then, when i really think about it...

i should't have to.
you love me. or you don't. there's not much explaining that will change that.

so i guess, the thing is...
i am jamie king. i am the very jamie king He has created me to be.
He loves my loud laugh. He smiles when my big, bug eyes smile in unison with my heart. He loves to hear me sing, even when it's loud and off key. He is "enthralled by my beauty" (Ps.45:11).
and if he can find it in his all knowing, all powerful, all merciful heart to love me without having to know all my bad habits and embarrassing actions first..
so. can. you.

in case you have ever wondered

wow. wow. wow.

yes.

on Christ the Sold Rock they stand

as i sit here and  try to type out what i'm feeling at the moment i am completely and totally...
speechless.
there are so many thoughts flying around in my head right now, i don't even know where to try to begin.

i went to this thing tonight.
it was meant to let us see what it's really like for our brothers and sisters in Christ who suffer persecution for their beliefs. it was to show us what it's like to be in a secret "home church".
we don't know what that's like.
and as i went through the events of the night....
it hit me.

we, as american Christians have
NO CLUE.
we are totally and completely ignorant.

we complain when we have to be at church early, when the preacher talks past 12, when the song leader doesn't sing the song we like, or when someone takes our seat in the sanctuary.
they risk their lives when they walk into their place of worship, and they walk in gladly.
we all own at least 3 bibles....and read one maybe once a day.
they don't have bibles at all. they hear and memorize...and wait months to hear the next verse.
we are so caught up in this "tolerant" mindset we are scared to say anything that might offend someone.
they tell people that they serve a living God and that His way is the only way...knowing they could die before their next breath.

in the time it has taken me to type this simple blog, hundreds, maybe even thousands of believers have been killed for the beliefs i know i take for granted every day.

i am in awe of our ability to be so apathetic. 

James 1:22 - But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 


what will i do about it?
i must do something. because this...this easy, apathetic Christian life i'm leading it wont cut it any more. it can't. 
we are called to so much more.

1 Corinthians 4:16 - Therefore I urge you to imitate me.

can you imagine telling someone to imitate the way you serve the Lord? the way you live your life for Him?
that blows my mind.
but if i had their faith. their passion. their peace.
if i had what they have, and what i should have...i would be able to say that.

so this is me, making my greatest effort to be there.
to be like them.
to imitate them.
i want to be like Asia Bebe. she's in prison now awaiting her death. she stood up against a large group of Muslim women in her community in Pakistan and told them of her Lord and Savior.
i'm scared to be made fun of or unaccepted. 
she didn't fear for her life.
i will imitate that.

image for a minute what this world would be like if we were all imitators of these wonderful people, and in so, being imitators of our Lord.
we would be unstoppable.
join me.

or should i just keep chasing pavement?

these boys only listen to me when i sing

i'm dumb.

i act on impulse.

i don't use my brain.

when i do use my brain and plan...things never go the way i want them to.

i can't remeber the last time i had a friend tell me,

"hey jamie. i think you're doing the right thing. good job"

but.

that's ok.

i'll keep being dumb.

because when i'm dumb,

i still have fun. i still love my life.

i have regrets. i have a lot of them actually.

daily.

but you'd be lying if you told me you didn't too.

and my mistakes and regrets make me who i am.

i hate it. i love it.

so i choose to accept it.

i choose to bask in these qualities of jamie

23/7.

this.

this is my one hour to freak out.

back off.

i want to believe in reincarnation.

on days like today, i like to believe i was once a tree. 

firmly rooted. standing tall. 

unshaken.

strong.

reaching out to all who pass.

a shelter to those who seek it.

but since i was never a tree....

i will just live out my tree-like duties as best i can.

being jamie.

i think that possibly, maybe i've fallen for you

Free Fallin'

dear john mayer, come sing this to me.

please and thank you.

love, me.

all alone in the moonlight

it's happening just like everyone said it would.
(...it's about time!)

i'm forgetting my senior year class schedule.
my locker combination.
which seats were the best in each class room.
the pythagorean theorem.
(no wait, i never actually knew that)
my best friends home phone numbers.
songs that were SO cool when we were in high school.
("Tipsy"? what?!?)
the many failed quizzes, tests, and attempts at being cool.
(...by many i mean...every day of my life)

i'm forgetting high school.
forgetting things in the past that don't matter any more.
and with that comes some relief.

i'm also
(with a little more effort)
forgetting
the many humiliations.
the first car date.
the wrong choices
the advice
(bad, awful, and just terrible)
the ones i said i loved...
and the ones i actually did.
the ones who broke my heart...
and the ones who still hate me for breaking theirs.

but while forgetting, i'm learning.
while learning, i'm growing.
while growing, i'm becoming
becoming Jamie.

off to the side

worship:  The reverent love and devotion accorded a deity, an idol, or a sacred object.
reverent love.
woah.


a few days ago i was talking with a dear friend about the church today.
all of it.
the good, the bad, and the ugly.
since then, i have been thinking about such things...and so much about true worship.
what is it?
singing Amazing Grace in church for the 1,482 time in your life?
bedtime prayers that are nothing more than part of the routine?
reading a few verses in your bible once a day?
listening to a preacher, singing Just As I Am, and then going out to lunch with friends?


no.


worship is life.
a reverent love and devotion to Him.
daily.
all day.
with every breath.


we, as the American church, have got this so wrong.
it's not supposed to be about us.
sitting where we want to sit, the songs we would rather sing, the feel good sermons...
church is about Him. 
worshiping Him.
all him.
not us.


no wonder we can't focus on worship...
we are too focused on ourselves.


our purpose on this earth is to bring Him glory.
plain and simple. 
it's all about him. not at all about me.
easy to say.
hard to accept.


it's like this...


you know those movies with the president, the queen, or an equally important person in the world is in a parade?
there's that one scene with all the people lined up on the side of the streets just hoping to get a glimpse?
those people are only in the movie for that one role. to bring attention to the star.
that's our role.
we are only in this movie called Life, to bring attention to Him.
to see Him pass by.
standing there on the side...
with reverent love and devotion.