i think that possibly, maybe i've fallen for you

Free Fallin'

dear john mayer, come sing this to me.

please and thank you.

love, me.

all alone in the moonlight

it's happening just like everyone said it would.
(...it's about time!)

i'm forgetting my senior year class schedule.
my locker combination.
which seats were the best in each class room.
the pythagorean theorem.
(no wait, i never actually knew that)
my best friends home phone numbers.
songs that were SO cool when we were in high school.
("Tipsy"? what?!?)
the many failed quizzes, tests, and attempts at being cool.
(...by many i mean...every day of my life)

i'm forgetting high school.
forgetting things in the past that don't matter any more.
and with that comes some relief.

i'm also
(with a little more effort)
forgetting
the many humiliations.
the first car date.
the wrong choices
the advice
(bad, awful, and just terrible)
the ones i said i loved...
and the ones i actually did.
the ones who broke my heart...
and the ones who still hate me for breaking theirs.

but while forgetting, i'm learning.
while learning, i'm growing.
while growing, i'm becoming
becoming Jamie.

off to the side

worship:  The reverent love and devotion accorded a deity, an idol, or a sacred object.
reverent love.
woah.


a few days ago i was talking with a dear friend about the church today.
all of it.
the good, the bad, and the ugly.
since then, i have been thinking about such things...and so much about true worship.
what is it?
singing Amazing Grace in church for the 1,482 time in your life?
bedtime prayers that are nothing more than part of the routine?
reading a few verses in your bible once a day?
listening to a preacher, singing Just As I Am, and then going out to lunch with friends?


no.


worship is life.
a reverent love and devotion to Him.
daily.
all day.
with every breath.


we, as the American church, have got this so wrong.
it's not supposed to be about us.
sitting where we want to sit, the songs we would rather sing, the feel good sermons...
church is about Him. 
worshiping Him.
all him.
not us.


no wonder we can't focus on worship...
we are too focused on ourselves.


our purpose on this earth is to bring Him glory.
plain and simple. 
it's all about him. not at all about me.
easy to say.
hard to accept.


it's like this...


you know those movies with the president, the queen, or an equally important person in the world is in a parade?
there's that one scene with all the people lined up on the side of the streets just hoping to get a glimpse?
those people are only in the movie for that one role. to bring attention to the star.
that's our role.
we are only in this movie called Life, to bring attention to Him.
to see Him pass by.
standing there on the side...
with reverent love and devotion.

But darling,

i have always held you high above the rest.
one step ahead.
you were always better in some way.
always deserving of more time, more effort, more chances, more thought, more forgivness.
more love.
more unreturned love.

but

are you?
what is it, exactly, that makes you so great?
the way you looked at me? the way you said my name? the way you respected me?
or maybe
the way you blew me off? the way you never took me seriously? the way my love wasn't enough?

you have always been my only exception.
my light.
my promise that all is not lost.
my rock.

but if you were so great....when you really weren't...
that one out there somewhere that really IS all i have him cracked up to be...
he will blow my ideas, expectations, rules, and only exception out of the water.