you make it beautiful

i have always heard people say things like, "...and then God wrecked me" or "...and then God rocked my world". 

i've had many a conversation about how great it was that God stepped in and was very actively working in someone's life...and all that was started with God "destroying their world".

i may have even prayed with some friends for God to "really just show up" and "do whatever it takes" to do big things in their lives. 

but if we're being honest, i've never experienced that. 

i've never really had my world destroyed or torn up or rocked or anything else that might cause one to think of volcanoes or grenades. (mental images...just keep trackin' with me here) i've had some rough times, some hard biblical truths to learn, and some bad days, but never quite had that "the ground is actually falling out from under me right now"experience. 

until now.

in the last few weeks i have been absolutely, completely, without a doubt, DESTROYED.

honestly, i feel kind of stupid for even admitting to that.

because, see, most of time when people say that kind of thing they have just suffered a loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or just had everything go wrong in their life all at one time. 

i haven't had any of that. 

i have had a few things happen recently that i have dealt with on many a previous occasion and survived just fine. 

but this time has been different.

this time my world has been destroyed.

i don't know why. i don't know why this time is any different than the rest. but it is. 

it wasn't a slow, steady sort of thing.

it was more of a one second everything is fine and then everythinghappenedallatonce sort of thing.

my thoughts were something like...

why is this happeneing? 

why are these simple things destroying my world?

what is wrong with me?

God, what are you doing here?

...why?

in all of my questioning and crying and searching and reading and praying...i've found the answer to some of those questions.

i have finally started feeling like i can lift my head and smile and it not hurt. 

and i figured i would share what i've learned.

1. don't ask for something you aren't ready for.

i've always been told not to pray for patience, "becuase God will give it to ya!" [that was supposed to be read like an old, fat, redneck man. if you didn't read it that way, go back and try again.]

i haven't prayed for patience in years. i pray around that one big time. 

but i've learned patience isn't the only thing he is so willing to teach us.

i pray something like this every morning:

"God, grow me. In some way today i ask that you grow me and speak to me and make me more like you."

i meant it. i really did. 

but i meant it in a easy, non violent sort of way.

that's not what i got.

i prayed for growth and to be more like him and that's what i'm gonna get.

it's painful and terrible and at times makes me wonder why i asked in the first place...but its happening.

and i'm thankful.

by the time i get through this season, i'm going to have gotten just what i asked for.

2. pride comes before a fall.

this is not something i was unaware of either.

but when i think pride i think stuck up, mean, and lacking Jesus altogether. 

not quite. 

pride is me. pride is the way i thought i had it altogether and people were lucky to have me around to help. pride is me thinking that i am better than some, too good for some, and a blessing to others. pride is me thinking i had arrived.

pride is where i was and i had no idea.

i had the pride and was actually surprised when the fall came.

"whoever exalts himself WILL BE HUMBLED." mathew 23:12

it's painful and terrible and makes me cry quite a bit...but i'm being humbled.

the fall will ALWAYS come.

3. God doesn't have to answer to me.

i'm a control freak. i need to know what's going on and have some kind of hand in it at all times. 

God doesn't have to cooperate with this.

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." isaiah 55:8

i have my life all planned out. so does he. our plans are different. His are better. SO MUCH BETTER. i have to know that and then believe it and then live in that truth. 

honestly, i'm still in the believing it stage.

its painful and terrible and absolutely freaks me out...but i'm learning to trust.

he is working. he is taking care of things. he doesn't need my help or approval.

4. God is faithful.

i have known this for years. i have seen him work and show up in big ways in so many lives and have rejoiced with all of them. but i haven't lived it and learned it for myself. has he been faithful to me before? of course. have a really been aware of it? no. 

i know God is faithful. i know he loves me and delights in me and has nothing but the best for me. i know  all things work together for good and i know that he is doing great things in and through me. 

but now i am getting the chance to believe it. 

it's painful and terrible and i ask often if there is any other way...but i'm starting to believe it. 

this is not an "everything all worked out in the end" sort of blog. im not saying i have figured it all out and i am perfectly ok.

i'm not.

i'm broken. i'm still very much broken and hurting and confused.

but it's always darkest before dawn.

i have never said "i don't understand" or "why" to God so many times in my life.

but i'm told not to lean on my own understanding.

i am shaken and scared and exhausted.

but He began a good work in me and has promised to see it through.

i am different. i am not the same Jamie i was 2 weeks ago.

but He makes all things new.

so now i've been there. now i know what it means for God to wreck me. now i know broken. 

and in His time, i will know the joy and peace and growth that comes from it. 

la, la, la, it's whatever.

[it's been so long since i posted something that i forgot my password. 

both the lack of posting and the forgotten password are unacceptable. both have been fixed. moving on.]

i've recently been in somewhat of a frantic, bible study beastmode.
my main topic of focus: temptation.
and today while i was reading [in my "way too early in the morning to do any good" math class],
i found something.
something so insignificant and so woah, huge at the same time.
something i have literally read 20 times, and something i've never noticed before.
i had been begging God for a good 30 minutes before i started reading to just

"show me something. anything. just speak to me. grow me and let me actually see it happening."

and....he smacked me in the face with this.

Matthew 4:1-2

 ¹ Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ² And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry.

Jesus was tempted. (don't worry, i've known that for a while, that's not what i'm dwelling on here)
but he wasn't just attacked with temptation that no one saw coming, nor was it coincidence.
"then Jesus was LED UP BY THE SPIRIT....to be tempted"
woah.
we, as modern day Christians, have somehow convinced ourselves that being tempted is the worst possible thing. that temptation should be avoided...at ALL costs. that if your being tempted, something is wrong with you, you aren't a good Christian, or you are, just in general, a terrible person.
we are so very wrong.
Jesus was tempted. Jesus was LED by the HOLY SPIRIT to be tempted.
i'm just sayin, if being tempted were a bad thing, i'm pretty sure the Holy Spirit wouldn't be doing the leading.
so, i say temptation is good. 
why?
because sometimes it's where the Holy Spirit leads you. sometimes you need to be there for things to happen. sometimes it's personal growth, sometimes it's for someone else. but whatever the case, i consider temptation Kingdom Work.
Jesus was tempted to show who He was. to show His power. to show that He really is sovereign and He really can rescue sinners from the darkness ruled by Satan. 
we're tempted to help show the same thing.

now, before you start getting in your car to come throw stones...(there's really no need for that. just take me to lunch instead.)
i am not saying falling into temptation is a good thing. just being tempted.

so then, as i thought of this [still in my terrible math class], i kind of got a little irritated.
it went something like this:

"God, you know some people are weak! some people can't handle certain things! tempting them in that area is just uncool!"

...then he smacked me in the face again.
with verse 2.

"and when He had fasted for forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry."

this is Jesus' human side showing just a little. when i have fasted for ONE day, i'm ready to hurt a small child for some food.
forty days and forty nights.
40!

"...afterward He was hungry."

and what was the first temptation He faced?
bread.
and did He cave? no.
yea. sure we're tempted with things that are REAAAAALLLLY hard to say no to.
so what? so was He.
saying no to the temptation is proof of growth. it's proof of faith. it's proof of wisdom.
it's less of me and more of Him.
it's my job.

so next time your tempted, thank Him. thank Him for the chance at being a part of Kingdom Work. thank Him for giving you a chance at growth.
don't run from a chance like that. see it for what it is, stand strong in Him, and do your job.

they're all precious in His sight

[just real quick, let me freak out for a second.]

i'm working a summer camp this summer.
a summer camp.
you know, a bunch of kids running around like banshees, hot summer days, swimming in a lake, living in a cabin all summer, working with strangers....summer camp.
this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most, but the thing is...
i've NEVER done camp.
never worked it, never been to one, never even seen a real "summer camp".
i'm not the "camp" type. this is a known fact.

what have i gotten myself into?!?

really i'm just doing it for the kids. i want to make an impact. i always have. and i think this might actually finally be chance to do it. i am in the position to greatly impact a child's life for the Lord.
what better way to spend my summer?!
so yea... i might be WAY out of my comfort zone here and yea...i'm totally freaking out.
but outside my comfort zone is where God works the best.
so hey,
bring it on summer camp.

i'm taken with a notion.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

my love handles, pudgy belly, 

weird nose, and big bug eyes are 

fearfully and wonderfully made.

my loud laugh, my country accent,

 my need to be with people at the weirdest of times,

 and my weird fears, dreams and goals are 

all part of who i am. 

who i am is fearfully and wonderfully made.

so, please - next time you start to think anything other than "she is fearfully and wonderfully made"...check yourself. and next time you hear me say anything different, slap me.

you are beautiful in every single way.

warm whispers.

some numbers to crunch.

26,000
twenty. six. thousand.
26,000 children a day.

that's how children die EVERY DAY from starvation or preventable disease.

26,000 a day.
183 an hour.
3 a minute.

dying.
children being taken away from their parents.
friends losing friends.
lives ending.

and what are we doing about it?
we're sitting at restaurants complaining that we haven't gotten our huge meals fast enough.
we're spending all of our money on clothes, shoes, movies, and music.
spending money on ourselves.
how. freakin'. selfish.
oh wait... what's new?

26,000.
26,000 a day.