i've had many a conversation about how great it was that God
stepped in and was very actively working in someone's life...and all that was
started with God "destroying their world".
i may have even prayed with some friends for God to
"really just show up" and "do whatever it takes" to do big
things in their lives.
but if we're being honest, i've never experienced
that.
i've never really had my world destroyed or torn up or
rocked or anything else that might cause one to think of volcanoes or grenades.
(mental images...just keep trackin' with me here) i've had some rough times,
some hard biblical truths to learn, and some bad days, but never quite had that
"the ground is actually falling out from under me right
now"experience.
until now.
in the last few weeks i have
been absolutely, completely, without a doubt, DESTROYED.
honestly, i feel kind of stupid for even admitting to that.
because, see, most of time when people say that kind of
thing they have just suffered a loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or just had
everything go wrong in their life all at one time.
i haven't had any of that.
i have had a few things happen recently that i have dealt
with on many a previous occasion and survived just fine.
but this time has been different.
this time my world has been destroyed.
i don't know why. i don't know why this time is any different than the rest. but it is.
it wasn't a slow, steady sort of thing.
it was more of a one second everything is fine and then
everythinghappenedallatonce sort of thing.
my thoughts were something like...
why is this happeneing?
why are these simple things destroying my world?
what is wrong with me?
God, what are you doing here?
...why?
in all of my questioning and crying and searching and
reading and praying...i've found the answer to some of those questions.
i have finally started feeling like i can lift my head and
smile and it not hurt.
and i figured i would share what i've learned.
1. don't ask for something you aren't ready for.
i've always been told not to pray for patience,
"becuase God will give it to ya!" [that was supposed to be read like
an old, fat, redneck man. if you didn't read it that way, go back and try
again.]
i haven't prayed for patience in years. i pray around that
one big time.
but i've learned patience isn't the only thing he is so
willing to teach us.
i pray something like this every morning:
"God, grow me. In some way today i ask that you grow me and
speak to me and make me more like you."
i meant it. i really did.
but i meant it in a easy, non violent sort of way.
that's not what i got.
i prayed for growth and to be more like him and that's what
i'm gonna get.
it's painful and terrible and at times makes me wonder why i
asked in the first place...but its happening.
and i'm thankful.
by the time i get through this season, i'm going to have
gotten just what i asked for.
2. pride comes before a fall.
this is not something i was unaware of either.
but when i think pride i think stuck up, mean, and lacking
Jesus altogether.
not quite.
pride is me. pride is the way i thought i had it altogether
and people were lucky to have me around to help. pride is me thinking that i am
better than some, too good for some, and a blessing to others. pride is me
thinking i had arrived.
pride is where i was and i had no idea.
i had the pride and was actually surprised when
the fall came.
"whoever exalts himself WILL BE HUMBLED." mathew
23:12
it's painful and terrible and makes me cry quite a bit...but
i'm being humbled.
the fall will ALWAYS come.
3. God doesn't have to answer to me.
i'm a control freak. i need to know what's going on and have
some kind of hand in it at all times.
God doesn't have to cooperate with this.
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says
the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."
isaiah 55:8
i have my life all planned out. so does he. our plans are
different. His are better. SO MUCH BETTER. i have to know that and then believe
it and then live in that truth.
honestly, i'm still in the believing it stage.
its painful and terrible and absolutely freaks me
out...but i'm learning to trust.
he is working. he is taking care of things. he doesn't need
my help or approval.
4. God is faithful.
i have known this for years. i have seen him work and show
up in big ways in so many lives and have rejoiced with all of them. but i
haven't lived it and learned it for myself. has he been faithful to me before?
of course. have a really been aware of it? no.
i know God is faithful. i know he loves me and delights in
me and has nothing but the best for me. i know all things work together
for good and i know that he is doing great things in and through me.
but now i am getting the chance to believe it.
it's painful and terrible and i ask often if there is any
other way...but i'm starting to believe it.
this is not an "everything all worked out in the
end" sort of blog. im not saying i have figured it all out and i am
perfectly ok.
i'm not.
i'm broken. i'm still very much broken and hurting and
confused.
but it's always darkest before dawn.
i have never said "i don't understand" or
"why" to God so many times in my life.
but i'm told not to lean on my own understanding.
i am shaken and scared and exhausted.
but He began a good work in me and has promised to see it
through.
i am different. i am not the same Jamie i was 2 weeks ago.
but He makes all things new.
so now i've been there. now i know what it means for God to
wreck me. now i know broken.
and in His time, i will know the joy and peace and growth
that comes from it.
